Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Church Anew is delighted to continue a series that celebrates the books and contributions of leaders in our community. While we can’t share every book or article or milestone, feel free to nominate someone or some piece that you know by emailing support@churchanew.org. Pastor Eric Shafer has led a storied career across the church and is interviewing authors in this recurring feature. This week, we are happy to present Eric’s interview with David Mann about his new book, “Becoming Better Men: Stories From Seventeen Years of Letters”

• Why did you write this book?  How did it come about?

In 2019, I read through my entire set of collected letters. I came to realize there was a unique value in this correspondence and decided to take on the project of selecting excerpts for publication. I found in them stories of men working hard to be countercultural to our training. We wished to leave behind the more arid and shallow masculinity of traditional male friendships.   

These letters were written at a particular time of awakening for men during the 80’s and 90’s. As deeply personal literature, they shed light on the newly arisen “men’s movement.” We attended “men’s gatherings,” and read books by Robert Bly and Michael Meade. The books and gatherings inspired and challenged us to come alive in exciting but sometimes painful ways. In these “journal-letters,” we share dreams and help one another interpret their meaning. We write about family struggles and share stories and wounds from our families of origin.  

One primary audience for this book is the generation of middle-aged men today, who are the age of my adult sons, both near 50.  These men, as my sons, are involved fathers, great husbands, and have successful professional lives.  Yet, they tell me of a desire for deeper male friendships.  Until recently, neither son was in a men’s support group.  I hope that such men will read and engage with what it looks like to discover meaningful support over time. 

Beyond that I saw in these letters an opportunity to offer an intimate look into the lives of three significant men.   Each of us as clergy, did impact society in significant ways through varied forms of ministry.  Tom Hunter passed away tragically in 2008.  He had a national following amidst church folks and educators.  He wrote prolifically, but while he had many albums recorded, almost nothing of his writing was ever published.  This book serves to address that.  I may never write a memoir about my organizing work and realize a lot of that is contained in my writing here.  Mike has a wide following in church and seminary circles from his teaching and writing about the use of media and other creative pursuits in worship. His has been important work in bringing vitality to the local church.   

• Please share a brief summary of your book (your "elevator" speech about it)

By writing letters to one another, three men learned how to share ever-deeper feelings.  They stretched one another to find more honest ways into intimate conversations with their parents, sons and daughters, wives, and friends.  Through their letters, they developed an accountability, challenging each other to acknowledge “stuck” places and move past them.  Their letters are filled with humor, dreams, stories of wounds from their upbringing, and poignant heart-warming stories.  Readers of this book – women as well as men – will discover ways to enrich their own relationships.   

• What would you like the reader to "take home" after reading this book?

I hope that readers will become reflective about their own experiences.  For men to assess their own friendships, and ask, “what more?”  I hope folks in marriages will find stories that invite reflection on their challenges or plateaus and seek ways to reinvigorate the intimacy, even romance.  As spouses and parents, some might ask, what rituals might we incorporate to mark the big transitions in life journeys?  How might we delight more in our children?  That families might spend more time listening, creating loving patterns, and playing together?  Above all that men begin to ask, “How can we deepen our networks of support?”

• Your book is very personal, intimate - why was such intimacy important to you?

It took some discernment and even courage for Mike, Tom’s family, and me to release these personal letters.  We decided the need and yearning in our culture for the insights provided outweigh our reservations.  I think our willingness to be vulnerable in such a public way is precisely what makes them important and rare.  

I’m reminded of the adage “the personal is political.”  When men are willing to expose their issues, their celebrations, their struggles this way, it can model a rich alternative path beyond career, ambition, cars, and sports.  A certain “immaturity” of my gender is underneath some of the worst political realities we are facing in these times.  Many men, long for a life that includes inner introspection, playfulness, and tenderness.  Let’s do it!

• You chose "Becoming Better Men" as your title - How did this series of letters help you become a better man?

I did become “better.”  Accountability is a framework that isn’t often tied to friendship — but these letters are filled with this quality.  Here, again and again, we both embraced one another and challenged one another.  That’s accountability.   The accountability they asked of, and offered, me was crucial. I remember when I was struggling with some issues with my young adult sons, they said, “saddle up and enjoy the ride.” This transformed my attitude, and the learning lasted.  I can see how I became more open-hearted as these letters progressed. It was to be a lasting shift in me that has enhanced my enduring love relationship with my wife, my family, and my friends.