How to Write a Faithful Eulogy
You have been asked to give a eulogy at a funeral or memorial service. Perhaps this is your first delivering a eulogy or you are finding it difficult to find the words. Maybe you’ve given many eulogies over the years, but would like some support this time.
Eulogies can serve a lot of purposes:
A reminder of shared memories
A way to honor the entire person in their full humanity
A chance to bear witness to a life
A moment for the person giving the eulogy to say goodbye to the deceased
A way for the whole gathered community to make sense of the moment you stand in
Eulogies are important to the person who is delivering a final goodbye. However, it can be challenging to:
Share words in a concise, brief way.
Decide what memories to share
Accept the sense of finality that might come once the eulogy is spoken.
A eulogy is different from many other words we share at a life-transition moment. It isn’t a wedding toast or a roast. It isn’t a sermon given at a funeral or wedding. It is a moment to reflect on the fullness of the person’s life, allowing others to have their experience of the departed.
Here is one process for writing a faithful eulogy, step by step, with opportunities for you to consider your own loss and take time to grieve as you carefully select the words you want to share. Giving yourself time and allowing for space is important so you can process some of your grief before you stand before others.
First step: Take a deep breath. If your mind feels cloudy or spinning, this is ok. Focus on one small detail of the deceased, one small characteristic and write it down. Then, breathing in and out, focus on another. Keep writing until you have done enough. You might need to do this over several periods of time.
Write the memories you hold together. The number of words and the length or prose is not what matters here. It's important to name your memories (the good, the bad, all of them), whether you intend to share them or not.
Identify hard truths. There might be hard truths that need to be shared. These can be named publicly as well, depending on who else is in the stories and thoughts you have to share. Depending on what you are sharing, you might need to receive permission and/consent from related parties. Regardless, you have permission to write down the totality of your experience with this person.
Name your feelings. Once you have listed your memories and identified hard truths, pay attention to how you are feeling. Are you feeling tired, grateful, lost, relieved, confused? Maybe you aren’t sure what you are feeling from moment to moment. Write these feelings down on paper.
Say what you wish you could say to them. Some of what you need to say, is for you and the person who died only. This is the space to name it here:
I love you.
I am sorry.
Can you forgive me?
I forgive you.
I wish things were different.
Thank you.
Bless your words. Offer your words, your memories, your feelings to God.
Dear Jesus,
Here is what I hold. I give to you all that it is (name it). I want you to have it. I release it to you.
Amen
Bring it all together: Now it is time to gather pieces from the items above. Not everything will be used. Review your list of memories. Select no more than three to share, keeping in mind if consent from others is needed and asking if these will honor those gathered.
Consider if any of the hard truths named above should be included as well as expressions of your feelings.
Refrain from using sayings or metaphors. Try to use only your own words to share.
Review your text: Will these words be only for you or for the people that are gathered? Will these words be an act of care?
Practice and time yourself. Eulogies are best when between 5-8 minutes, tops. If you find your words run longer, consider if there is language that needs to be edited out. You’ve already shared your words with God and can trust it will be heard. Brevity can be very powerful.
Be kind and patient with yourself. You may become emotional when practicing or even when delivering your careful words. This is ok. You are allowed to feel. And practice is good.
Save your words. When you are finished, save your words as a gift to yourself.
