Now and Forever
Photo by Sandy Milar on Unsplash
Millennials have changed the way people think about weddings. Social media has replaced bridal magazines to influence attire, venue, and decorations. Millennials differ significantly from their parents and grandparents about where they married and who performed the ceremony. According to americansurveycenter.org, over the last ten years, only 30% of weddings were in a place of worship with a religious official, compared to 50% (parents' generation) and 72 % (grandparents' generation). With that rate of decline, will God even get a wedding invitation from the next generation?
Marty McGuire and Katy Rabenberg met in 4th grade in a small rural town in southern Minnesota. By high school they started dating and, after nine years, became engaged. Like many people in their mid-20s, Marty and Katy attended dozens of weddings of their friends and quickly learned what they didn’t want for their own. Marty explains, “We’ve been to weddings where there didn’t seem to be a connection between the priest or pastor and the couple. It was very impersonal.”
What made it more complex was the couple’s religious backgrounds. Marty grew up attending church, but as an adult, does not feel connected to God through his childhood church or its doctrine. He feels more in tune with God when he’s in nature, experiencing God’s creation. Katy had a positive relationship with her church in her early years but didn’t want to get married in her hometown church.
Six months into their engagement, Marty and Katie knew God would be a priority in whatever type of wedding they had. However, they preferred a personalized wedding ceremony without the constraints of the four walls of a church. But first, they had to tell their parents. “Marty and I always knew we didn’t want to get married in a church by someone who didn’t know us. So, we met with our parents and gave them our reasons,” Katy explains. The couple chose an outdoor ceremony and asked longtime family friend, Darcey Schoenebeck, to perform it.
Darcey has an extremely close friendship with Marty’s mom, Marina. She’s known Marty since he was a toddler, and she met Katy when she and Marty started dating in high school. Darcey and her husband, Jay, have spent nearly every weekend with Marty’s parents for almost 25 years. When Marty and Katy approached Darcey about marrying them, she said yes. Then, she got to work.
“I felt called to understand my role as officiant and make sure that the ceremony met the couple's wishes and the dreams and wishes of their parents. It’s a big day for everyone involved!” Darcey explains. Her first phone call was to Pastor Ben Hilding of Holy Trinity Lutheran Church in New Prague, MN. He informed her of the specific legal requirements for performing marriages. Darcey quickly learned the legal certification process to perform marriage was free and took less than 20 minutes online. “I was expecting to find a mini-seminary course or something more substantial. Pastor Ben assured me that becoming ordained online through Universal Life Church was all that was necessary, and it was completely legal,” Darcey says with a laugh.
After discussing the surprisingly simple ordination process, Pastor Ben Hilding couldn't help but bemoan one of his frustrations with the current state of weddings. Hilding says, "I told Darcey I was so glad that Marty and Katy asked her to officiate their wedding. But I also explained why I'm concerned about the trend of ‘asking a friend’ to officiate a wedding. Too often, there is a failure to complete premarital counseling. For me, that's the most important part. Preparing. Not for a wedding, but for a marriage."
With the conversation with Pastor Ben fresh in her mind, Darcey agreed to officiate Marty and Katy's wedding with one stipulation. They must complete premarital counseling. She encouraged them to meet with a licensed counselor, a pastor, a 3rd party, or someone they trusted. Marty and Katy looked at Darcey and asked, "how about you?"
Becoming a pre-marriage counselor was a completely different experience from her online ordination. Darcey spent hundreds of dollars on the training and found twenty hours in her busy schedule to become a trained facilitator through the Prepare/Enrich premarital assessment. “Jay and I participated in another couple's premarital counseling at the request of Pastor Ben, and I saw through that experience the importance of communication. No matter how far into the relationship, there is always room to improve and grow together. That certainly influenced my decision to get certified - I wanted to do it right, as best I could,” Darcey explains.
Next, Darcey met with Marty, Katy, and all of their parents for two hours to discuss wedding expectations, how God would be present, and the ceremony. Darcey reflects, “It gave everyone peace of mind that faith would be represented and well represented.” Marty adds, “My mom was very appreciative during the initial meeting and happy that her opinion mattered. We were very mindful of how prayer would weave into the ceremony.”
She met with Marty and Katy four times, and each session included homework. “I learned so much going through pre-marital counseling. I was surprised because we were together [for nine years] before getting married. I kept thinking, ‘how come we’ve never talked about this before?’” Katy explains. Marty continues, “It was easy to be vulnerable with Darcey because of our close relationship with her.”
Pastor Ben knew that Darcey would do an incredible job. "Darcey does not cut corners and gives her all in everything she does. She goes beyond that for the people she loves. To be honest, with the accrued training and her relationship with the couple, Darcey provided a better premarital experience than I ever could. It makes me second-guess my role as a pastor. Is it my job to always be the ‘holy figure’? Or is it my job to equip others who are already holy figures - to provide the necessary tools to do their called ministry to the best of their ability?"
Their wedding day arrived with perfect fall weather for an outdoor ceremony. Katy remembers, “I was so nervous walking down the aisle. I focused on Darcey, and seeing her standing next to my best friend helped calm me down.” Marty adds with emotion, “the entire ceremony was an awesome heart moment. Absolutely beautiful. Darcey had everyone laughing and crying at the same time. People commented afterward how meaningful the ceremony was.”
Darcey agrees with the happily married couple. “Marrying these two people - that I have known for almost their entire lives and whose parents are our dearest friends - was the honor of my life after marrying my husband and becoming a mom. Through this experience, I saw the importance and value of community when raising a child, seeing that child into adulthood, and instilling that you and God are there for them. Now and forever.”
Karen Taylor
Communication Manager, Holy Trinity Lutheran Church, New Prague, MN
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