A Call For Compassionate Farewells
Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
I had to ask, “What do you want people to know about what happened to you?” He replied, “I have never felt more betrayed in my life.”
My friend had spent seven years at his previous church as the youth and family director. He invested so much of his life there that he had grown to consider the staff and the community his family, and they had grown to call him the same. He loved them, and they loved him.
Because of this love, the decision to leave didn't come easily. The details as to why he decided it was time to look for a different job had nothing to do with the staff, the people, or the ministry. It was a soft nudge over the course of several months that made him pursue something new. After deep conversations with his family and friends and several interviews later, he found a new place to call home.
He was excited about what was to come, new opportunities for him to use his gifts and passions and for his family to grow in new ways. But all of his joy was severed the moment he put in his notice. In a matter of days, a special meeting was called (one he wasn’t invited to attend), and he was asked to turn in his keys and not look back.
In a matter of days, he was without a job. No utterance of severance or additional considerations or assistance was made. He, his wife who was 34 weeks pregnant, and his two young kids didn’t know what to do. He had secured a job, of course. That’s what had set this all in motion, but it was several states away. They had not planned to move until their child was born, and his new job wasn’t to start for another several months.
Now he and his family were left holding the bag. Overcoming the logistics of such a scenario was difficult. By the grace of God, his friends, family, and new employer came through and made it all possible.
There was nothing more difficult, however, than the betrayal and disillusionment that began to set in. Nearly two years later, my friend is still working through the heartache of this moment in their lives.
And he is not alone. Here is another friend’s story.
Imagine you have just worked 200 hours straight. This is what it's like when you are the youth director and lead mission trips. You, a couple of dozen students, and a few saints you call volunteers travel, sleep, eat, and serve in less-than-perfect conditions for hours on end. When you are the youth director leading a mission trip, sure, you get to sleep, but “with one eye open.” You are constantly on high alert, paying attention to everyone's needs, caring for, loving, and walking with the entire group for hours. You return home exhausted but full of joy after what seems like one of your best trips yet. You had invested a lot of effort over the last several months to try and get more high schoolers involved. You worked tirelessly to iron out all the details and make this trip one that your students would remember forever. Your first regular workday post this trip ends up being one you will never forget.
Three minutes. That’s how much time was dedicated to telling another friend he was being let go. He was asked to leave immediately, packed everything up, and was gone within the hour.
People leave and get let go. People quit and get fired. This is not a conversation about that. This is a conversation about how we treat people who leave or get let go. It's about what it means to be an example in the world in all facets and treating people as if we actually believe that they are created in the image of God, worthy of and deserving of love and respect.
Every council, boss, and church has its own way of handling these situations, and no scenario is typically straightforward. Many factors come into play. You may have questions about each situation, such as whether they were performing their jobs well, had received warnings, or whether other factors influenced the decision.
There may be an inclination to wonder what they did to deserve such treatment. However, there are few situations in which that matters. If we can understand that nothing would prevent us from receiving God's grace and mercy and that there is nothing we can do to earn it, why are we so unmerciful? Why do we lack such grace with each other?
My friends and colleagues were abandoned in both situations and left to fend for themselves in difficult circumstances. There was no transparency about why they were let go so abruptly, and both were denied the opportunity to discuss what went wrong and gain closure.
They did everything suggested. They reached out to their hiring bodies and their church governing bodies. They sought wisdom and counsel from various sources, but they were met with a hands-off approach and "this is not my problem" attitude. We can do better, and we should do better. If you're someone's boss, on the council, or a church member, we can do better.
First, create or ask for a standard of integrity. Whether you’re in charge or not, it’s fair to ask that people are treated with respect, kindness, and compassion and that your church’s actions align with the values and teachings of its faith.
Second, clarity is loving. The church leadership should communicate with the staff about why their being let go and any next steps that need to be taken. When my second friend was let go, they were not clear about final payments or ending benefits and things got complicated fast. Clarity includes being upfront and transparent about severance options, final paychecks, and benefits. If you’re in a position to offer support, please do. Financial, sure, we would all love that, but emotional and spiritual as well. Both of my friends reached out for pastoral care and received nothing in return.
When appropriate, be honest with your church. If you’re the leader who decides it’s time to let someone go but you’re hesitant to share with your congregation, perhaps rethink how you’re handling things. Greater honesty can make it the easier for a congregation to handle staff transitions. Striving for transparency when people leave and get let go will help bring a sense of normalcy to something that is already true.
Third, openly pray for your departing staff and their future endeavors. This demonstrates care and concern for the staff's well-being and is a way to show love and support that doesn’t require any resources you may or may not have.
Finally, please conduct a review. If the staff member was terminated, the church should conduct a review to talk about the reasons for the termination and evaluate any potential areas for improvement. This helps provided clarity and closure.
I know that every staff departure is different, from place to place and person to person. In all cases, we should do our best to care for staff when they leave. Maybe this is already a core value for your church, to create an environment of love, transparency and grace. Maybe you already work to create more compassionate farewells. Wonderful. Now encourage others to do the same.
