Midnight Wrestlings
Photo by Jahanzeb Ahsan on Unsplash
Wonder Anew is a new recurring section of the Church Anew blog, intended for spiritually curious readers who want to explore the Christian faith with honesty, depth, and imagination.
To put ourselves fully into Jacob’s shoes in this dark night of the soul - it’s helpful to remind ourselves of his story up until this point, so here’s a quick catch up:
Jacob stole Esau’s blessing by pretending to be his brother and tricking his blind, aging father. He ran away because his brother was (understandably) angry at him. He then spent 14 years working for Laban, adding 4 wives and 13 children to his family. It settled him down a bit. Eventually he is called by God to go home. So he heads towards Esau, not knowing what awaits him 20 years after he stole a birthright and fled. On his way, he sends word ahead that he has a family and many animals in the hopes it will calm Esau’s anger a bit, and word returns that Esau is already on the way, with 400 men. This, of course, is terrifying. He splits up his family and belongings into two groups, so that if one is attacked, the other might escape. He devises a plan to send lots of herds of different animals ahead of him as gifts to soften Esau.
And this, THIS is where we begin the story in chapter 32.
Jacob has prepared for all outcomes. He has sent ahead gifts, prepared for a potential battle, and has been praying for God to let him meet Esau in peace.
Night falls, and Jacob is alone with his thoughts. So very alone. I think we can safely assume that he is feeling fearful, uncertain, vulnerable, and maybe even guilty. His own actions have brought him to this moment.
When his dad had asked him “who is this?'', he had replied “Esau.”
“What is your name?” the man/angel asks him.
“Jacob,” he says. This time, he says Jacob.
I think this moment is all one we’ve felt before. The night before a big event. A meeting, confrontation, interview, life change. You know the kind of night I’m talking about. Where we go through all the choices and moments that brought us to where we are. To second guess and doubt and struggle. To hope and pray and beg that whatever comes next will be ok.
That’s where he is, alone with those thoughts, and, as the text says, he begins to “wrestle with a man.” The Hebrew word used here isn’t “adam” which is usually how we get the word “man” but the word “ish” which doesn’t quite have the same human connotations to it. Midrash (an ancient commentary of the Hebrew Bible) calls it an angel. Some translations say it’s God.
We don’t actually know at this point; more importantly, neither does Jacob.
And this isn't metaphorical wrestling. It’s a real, face to face, full contact, wrestling match, in the nighttime in the wilderness. It’s so devoid of any light, Jacob cannot see who he is wrestling with. Is it Esau? A stranger? An angel? God? It’s so dark, who knows? What Jacob DOES know is that he isn’t going to come this far and be stopped now.
Jacob hears that his sparring partner wants to leave and he only holds the man even tighter and says, “I won't let you go unless you bless me.”
At first, this almost feels like Jacob going back to his old tricks.
But if we sit with this for just a moment, there’s this slight callback to an earlier time, a time that would be fresh in Jacob’s mind as he has been preparing to go face his brother. The time when he lied to his dad. When he stole the birthright of his brother. When his dad had asked him “who is this?'', he had replied “Esau.”
“What is your name?” the man/angel asks him.
“Jacob,” he says. This time, he says Jacob.
This is, for me, THE. MOMENT.
The moment in the whole story of this anti-hero when he finally just is who he is. The moment when he isn’t pretending to be anyone else. When he doesn’t have any family or property or wealth to hide behind. He has come face to face with the choices he made, flaws and mistakes and all.
“Jacob.”
And the angel tells him, your name is no longer Jacob, it is now Israel.
Israel means struggle with God. Jacob has struggled with God.
This is when he realizes that his wrestling partner has not been a stranger or an angel or even Esau, but God. “Your name is now Israel, because you have struggled with God.”
And THEN he gets a blessing.
Again, it calls back something in Jacob, about the blessing that he stole, the one that caused the rift between him and his brother, that sent him into exile for twenty years.
That’s not this one. This blessing is for him. It’s really his.
He is finally worthy of his own blessing.
And then the wrestling foe leaves and Jacob is left alone as the sun rises on a new day with a new name and a new blessing, and a limp.
Whenever any of us come through a night of our own wrestling – however it happens and whatever the result – we want the same thing that Jacob did – we want to make it through the struggle, we want to be ok, and we want to receive a blessing. This story reminds us of the kinds of blessings that God hands out - one that is hard fought, and not given to who we are pretending to be, or wish we were, but a blessing given to us just as we are: broken and imperfect, but also scrappy and honest, refusing to go forward without it. This blessing is ours as much as it was Jacob’s. It changes us, just like it changed Jacob. And then as the sun rises, we too go to meet what comes next, reminded of who we are and whose we are.
